The OkCupid Diaries: Part 1

I have dipped my toes into the OkCupid waters in the past month and I can honestly say that it was the most memorable month of my life. Not necessarily the funnest month or the month where I had the highest self-esteem or the month I was getting superlaid, but a month I won’t forget. Since June, my life has revolved around whether Cupid will find me a match with his internet arrows or not. And I have no shame in saying that. Sure, I’ve gotten approximately six responses to the 50+ messages I’ve sent out and sure, I have gone past date one with precisely zero of them, but being on OkCupid is not about asking Cupid to set you up with a hottie and him saying “Ok no problem bro”. It’s about Cupid giving you a listing of people you may have chemistry with and you saying “Ok, Cupid. I accept your challenge.”  And what’s a challenge worth if you’re not gonna fail 92% of the time?

Now, since I’ve devoted so many procrastinating hours to this thing, I figured as a treat to you readers I would share my messaging entries with you. I think a lot of people have misperceptions about the online dating universe, that it’s only for male creepers above the age of 25 and women who don’t get asked out IRL who are over the age of 25. None of those things are true (except for the “over the age of 25 part”. You should see the looks I get when the people at Think Coffee see me gestating the multiple ways on how to say “Hey, what’s up and let’s have a relationship/coffee sometime/sex/a gay old time.”) Internet dating is a really great opportunity to work on being creative with the way you speak to people. People are gonna judge your messages and your pictures and your profiles within seconds because there’s a million other people out there and you gotta give them a reason to waste their time with you the moment you put yourself in their inbox. But if you can, if you can just shove a glimmer of honesty or authenticity or quirk that they’ll want to hear at the precise moment they open your message, well then s/he just might “reply very selectively” to you.

These following messages are the kind that did not make the cut.

“I love ketchup too! I don’t leave in the morning unless the tomatoes in my omelet suffocate in a vat of tomato sugar juice. I apologize if I seem a bit overexcited, it’s just ketchup connoisseurs are difficult to come by.”

Don’t the words “suffocate” and “vat” just turn you on like a light switch?

“I love Italian food! Totally the most generic statement ever, but I don’t go a day without arrabiata.”

To an Italian girl who liked to cook. (Yes, I realized I misspelled arrabbiata. I wouldn’t date me either.)

“I loved the King’s Speech! I’m not sure if it’s because it took place in the 30’s, or because Colin Firth’s the most fantastic actor I’ve ever seen, but I’ve never been so awake during a speech before in my life.”

This girl was British and already said she hated Harry Potter, so naturally I went with the only other British topic I knew about.

“Hey! What have you acted in? I feel like I’ve seen before. I’m sure it wasn’t in my dreams, because there’s no way I’m that much of a cliche. But I have been wrong before.”

If only I had remembered to write “you”. I’d be dating a Stardust waitress by now.

“Hi. Your photos are pretty. The photography that is! And the subjects of them. Whoever that girl is.”

I’m still at a loss as to why this didn’t get a response. Her friend was really attractive.

“I totally understand your love of cats. And Downton Abbey. Honestly, I’m pretty certain they’re the only things that make the world go round. There’s that whole gravitational pull argument, but I say hogwash. How could you say a Scottish Fold is less magnetic than the South Pole?”

To someone with the username “meowton_tabbey”.

Ah. That felt good. Hope you enjoyed, Internet! Be tuned for the next installment of the OkCupid Diaries, where we follow the story of a date that actually happens!


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